Stephen F.

Review of Balans

09 Sep 08, 10:43

Only real men can stomach a whole Balans Burger

Thanks to its location on one of Soho's busiest streets for nightlife, I (like seeming 3/4 of all punters in there) have never entertained going to Balans before 11:30pm. Nor have I ever arrived at this establishment without managing to get completely sozzled beforehand.

Consequently, what I know about the expansiveness of their menu, quality of service or wine list selection can be written on the back of a very small stamp.

What's more, none of this matters.

ALL one needs to know is that if you've ever indulged in an ale or two of an eve then a visit to Balans, where one can sit, salivating, open mouthed in awe at the majesty and sheer spectacle of one of their burgers, should be considered mandatory.

Such is its reputation for felling many a fine fellow, the Balan's Burger is beginning to enter into local folklore as something of a giant killer. It's an almighty tower of beef, bacon and cholesterol that is (quite literally if you were to indulge in, say, more than one a month) to die for.

Served up with a fistful of handcut fat fries you'd be doing well to find a better burger this side of stateside.

They say that those that have managed to finish one can be counted on the fingers of one hand. I, for one, having oft tried to enter this exclusive club, have found all attempts to date ending in failure.

So, if you know a good burger when you see it, and know what's good for you, then get yourself to Balans asap. You won't regret it.

2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Review of Carluccios

09 Sep 08, 09:39

Make room for the mushrooms

I've never had a sit down meal at a Carluccios so can't vouch for the restaurant side of things.

However, they do the best take away wild mushroom salad available to humanity. I would walk across hot coals just for a sniff of it.

2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Review of Le Cafe Du Marche

09 Sep 08, 00:27

Posh French Nosh for Notta Lotta Dosh

OK, if I tell you a secret will you promise not to tell anyone? You will? Great. Then let us begin...

Cafe du Marche is one of those rarest of restaurants that you can find in London - one that manages to combine excellent un-fussy French food with a price that won't break the bank.

I say "that you can find", but, to be honest, located as it is, tucked away down the bottom of an oldey-worldey cobbled side street just off Charterhouse Square, it's not the kind of place that you're likely to stumble across by chance, And, thankfully, this quirk of geography seems to be reflected in the type of clientele that it attracts.

Instead of the braying city boys, preening new media types and sweating American tourists that you'll find cluttering up central London restaurants (those weighed down respectively by their wallets, egos and camera equipment) Cafe du Marche appears to be full of, dare I say it, normal people. Normal people with one thing in common - a love of fine food.

In typical French fashion the menu is a fixed price "à la carte affair" offering you a choice of starter, main and desert for the decidedly un-princely sum of £33. If you can't find anything you like on the main menu (which would prove difficult as it offered an excellent selection) there are also daily specials available for a small supplement of around £5-£10 per dish. Wine buffs will also not be left wanting as there's also a comprehensive wine list available to suit all pallets and pockets.

As it was my birthday when we ate there I went a bid mad and plumped for a bottle of Pauillac (at an eye watering £58 - but what the hell, I wasn't paying!) which proved to be a more than agreeable companion with which to wash down my lobster spaghetti starter, roast grouse main and selection of psychosis-inducing strong French cheeses for desert. Overall the meal was spot-on, with everything being super-tasty and cooked to perfection.

Likewise I'd struggle to find fault with either the service or ambiance. All the waiters were attentive and courteous and they'd even gone to the trouble of having a pianist on-hand to plonk away some un-annoying jazz repertories (who'd have thought that possible? Un-annoying jazz?) on an old upright in the middle of the room. Suffice to say we had no qualms adding a little extra to the 15% service charge applied to the final bill.

So, all in all, Cafe du Marche is (to date) something of a well kept secret amongst fans of French food. A true hidden gem of a place. Just don't tell anyone I told you so, I wouldn't want the brayers, preeners or sweaters of this world descending upon it and ruining it for everyone else.

2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Review of Sugar Reef

29 Aug 08, 16:42

Sugar Reef - Not So Sweet

This is a typical central Soho basement bar with next to no distinguishing features to help one discern it from other bars of this type.

Sure it would function just fine for leaving-do drinks or similar as its got plenty of big booth style tables that you can reserve in advance.

Still, if you're after a central boozy basement bar then all of these others do a slightly better job of it:

http://www.welovelocal.com/en/london/camden/covent-garden/bars/bunker-wc2h9ld.html

http://www.welovelocal.com/en/london/westminster/soho/bars/the-phoenix-artist-club-wc2h0dt.html

http://www.welovelocal.com/en/london/camden/covent-garden/bars/freud-wc2h8jl.html

http://www.welovelocal.com/en/london/camden/covent-garden/english-restaurants/the-langley-wc2h9ja.html

0 out of 1 person found this review helpful.

Review of Tanfastique

12 Aug 08, 15:33

The best named tanning salon in the UK bar none

I used to drive past this place every now and again and it always brought a smile to my face.

I know nothing of the quality or range of services that it offers but I'm rating it 5 our of 5 for simply having one of the most naff comedy business names around.

I always had visions of it being run by a pair of characters that were just like Marlene and Boyce from Only Fools and Horses.

Classy name Marlene!

0 out of 0 people found this review helpful.

Review of The Greenwich Foundation For The Old Royal Naval College

12 Aug 08, 10:29

Take a stroll around historic Greenwich

The Naval College is a great place to meander around on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. It's not changed a jot in the last 300 or so years and remains as impressive today as when Wren first built it.

Looking north you'll get stunning views of Canary Wharf across the river and the view to the south is even more impressive where you'll see the Queens House and the Royal Observatory sitting atop the hill in the park.

Whilst you're there be sure to check out the Painted Hall which you'll find about halfway along the main street dividing the college. It's a huge hall that has had every inch of every wall and ceiling covered with some of the most spectacular paintings and trompe-l'œil that you'll ever see:

http://tinyurl.com/5ry2x3

Oh and any fans of Philip Pullman's "His Dark Materials" will also feel right at home as loads of the scenes that you'll see in the films are shot in and around the college grounds:

http://tinyurl.com/6csuce

Finally, if all the walking wears you out and you need a pint to recuperate then it's worth stopping off at The Trafalgar Tavern as it has some of the best views in London:

http://www.welovelocal.com/en/london/greenwich/greenwich/pubs/the-trafalgar-tavern-se109ng.html

0 out of 0 people found this review helpful.

Review of The Market Porter

11 Aug 08, 10:32

Great Pub next to Borough Market

i love the market porter. It's a simple no nonsense boozer right opposite Borough Market.

It gets very busy mind, especially on, Fri and Saturday when the market is in full swing. You'll find punters spilling out on to the street most evenings.

Whilst you're there be sure to check out the sausage sarnies from the shop next door - perfect with a pint.

0 out of 0 people found this review helpful.

Review of Link Cash Machine

17 Jul 08, 11:49

Here, here!

Damn those wretched link cash machines. They're the modern day Dick Turpin.

You go to the cornershop to buy a loaf of bread and end up having to pay more to the one-arm-bandit hole in the wall than you do to the shop owner.

It's daylight robbery I tell you, daylight robbery! Grrrrr

0 out of 0 people found this review helpful.

Review of Octopus

17 Jul 08, 11:39

Boo! Not a cephalopod in sight.

Having traveled the breadth of London to visit this place, you can only imagine my disappointment when I discovered that they sold no octopi of any kind.

Worst. Octopus Shop. Ever.

0 out of 0 people found this review helpful.